My bell jar....

has lifted.. i don't know what happened to me i was severly depressed.. i couldnt stop crying and all i wanted to do was end it all.... i wasn't myself and i dont ever want to be that person i was.... i dont know if it was my sickness on top of my period but it was horrible.. but when i woke up this morning i felt the dark cloud had passed and i'm me again.. thank god

<3paix

on going horrible scene.....

so school starts in a few days and i think i am ready... i know i need to do very well because my GPA is horrible at the moment.... it's insane that i was given the world and i destroyed it... i have to remember who i am doing this for.. myself.. my unsure feelings had gotten the best of me and it seemed as if i hit rock bottom when i was so sure i was on top... i began to destroy myself with poisons i said i was going avoid which found its way back into my life...

some days i wish i could just escape it all and just forget but something keeps me awake and this time i'm going to figure it out.. enjoy life....

<3paix

Wish you were here

Daniel called today.. which is surprising. i didn't think i was ever going to hear from that kid since i told him i didnt want to have sex with him anymore..... it's strange..... i dont get it.. does he still like me or something... i just dont get it...... i adore the kid and i wish we could work it out but we have a lot of work to do if we are going to be with each other... i would like that but if he doesn't want to then i'm fine with that too... i just want to know so it wont seem like i am wasting my time.. waiting for him.... you know just let me know

ahh i'm too high for this thanx to joe<3! and smelling good guy a.k.a Matt<3!.... good time<3!.. Matt's pretty cool and i adore Joe<3 is just awesome.....
so now i'm just chilling and watching Stacey since she is trashed from a night of drinking with her co workers... i'm glad they called me because she would have been fucked.. she's not in good shape well she wasn't.. she's sleeping now and not puking all over my livingroom.. hahaha poor girl.... this is why i would rather be stoned than drunk anyday......lol

<3paix

a cup of coffee....

went for the training today at the champion learning center not knowing that i would have to pay 115 dollars for the background check and finger printed at another location.... so i guess I'm not going to do it.. i would if i were going to be an educator....

Daniel Daniel Daniel what goes through your head. So you only want to hang with me if there is going to be sex involved. You say you miss me, you want to kiss me and hold me but you also want to put your penis in me and where does that leave me..... feeling inadequate...... i love you and i want to someday have our love blossom to a little family but you don't want what i want so we shouldn't waste any more time.. find someone else to fuck because I'm tired of being FUCKED!.....

<3paix

here we go again.....

last week i felt compelled to call him so i did.... The conversation was weird but what do you expect that's Daniel for you... well anyway i just needed to get that call out of the way.. The reason for the intensity of this whole ordeal was that his picture fell from my wall days ago around 3 in the morning and the first thought in my mind was that i guess we are over, he fell off..... but when i awoken that morning to find that my picture also fell off the wall that night maybe a little after his, falling right on top of his.... they were stuck together and i thought what the hell does this mean.. are we trying to hold on to each other or something.. maybe that's why i can't get him off my mind at times.. I know break ups take time to heal but this is over processed in a way..i need to heal already... well any way he called last night because he wanted to chill with me.. thank god i didn't pick up when he called because between the 5 mins that passed he called another friend and decided to hang out with him instead.... so this buys me some time to get my thoughts together.... Honestly, i don't really want him to hang with me i really just want him to chase me around for awhile until i get tired not the other way around....blah

off to work.................HT that is..

<3paix

so i got it.....

im going to be a tutor for champion learning center..... i can't wait to start..
yay<3!....

<3paix

so this is the new year..

and i do feel a little different.. this is the second day of jogging and im trying to eat right again..i was so healthy and i dont know what happened... i think the cigarette smoking or just bad habits.... well anyway i want to stay healthy for myself and for my future so everything else will follow........

<3paix