first entry of the year...

I'm in the mist of a metamorphoses, i deleted my facebook (well deactivated it) and i don't know. My plan is to do this year a lot different and a little better than i did the one before. I know what i want, at the moment, and i know what i miss but I'm not going to allow those things that i miss to consume my life, again. I got myself an apartment and a new roommate and i hope it all goes well. I also want to do excellent in school (last semester was pretty tough). I added an extra year with plans on working on my writing. I'm excited! I'm heading back to Plattsburgh this Wednesday and I'm looking forward to it (yeah, i know..ha!).

I truly feel bad that I've been annoyed to the point where i have been snapping at my mother. I need to work on that. I have to accept the fact that i wont have the mother that i used to have before she got sick. She's emotional. I'm emotional. There's just too much emotions going around and it's really starting to take a toll on my well-being and i'm pretty sure on her's as well.

Another thing that i want to work on is, finding a job where i can save and be the adult that i should be (I'm 27 and not getting any younger). I pray that i find a job. That's my only fall back that I can think of, at the moment. I need money and lots of it or just enough to live comfortably. I also need to get back in shape and stay in shape...

And pretty much I'm going to take this year a lot slower so i can enjoy it a lot more......

Breakneck Speed

It's sad when you know that your roommate is avoiding you. But it's even worse when you don't know the reason. I shouldn't care so much but it just hurts to know that someone who sleeps so close could be so dangerous. I'm moving out in december and she probably wont know of this until that day.

I'm so over dorm life. I need to start my life. Find a job in the process so i'll be financially stable for awhile and able to save for the next adventure in life. I'm a little nervous. I don't have much saved up but i might have enough for a deposit if i decide not to go home for thanksgiving. I need a J-O-B, like fast!..

I can't wait to live on my own. It's about time, you know.

Her name is Jenn

So i have a new friend. I don't know what to make of her yet but i do know i sort of like her. We met at a mutal friend's place and then i ran in to her at the Koffee Kat today as we sat and talked awhile. I don't know man i like her. She seems like me a free spirit from Montana even thou i'm not from Montana but i am a free spirit.

She's a virgo. What is up with me and Virgos and she with Scorpios; she has many of them as friends. So we're going to hang out next wednesday night and i'm really looking forward to it. Once again I don't know but i really like her. Ha! yeah so i guess it's alright since i made a decision to stay here for another year... gives me sometime to get my shit togther....

On the other side....

Man, Johnny why did you have to leave so soon... i never got to say bye or ask how you were. It just breaks my heart to know that i won't be able to have that chance. I don't know how to take this, how to process it... it feels so unreal and i don't want to believe it... sorry... you didn't have to go out like that... i'm so angry! so very angry... you were an awesome person and i will never forget all the fun times we shared.... i can't believe that you've left us.. all the people you've touched in such a short time... rip friend... i'm going to miss knowing you're around... i love you old friend and i miss you already♥!..never forgotten always remembered♥!..r.i.p Johnny aka Puff♥!.....

Leech Mansion

It's really sad to hear that someone dies, especially way to young, and to find out that he was a fellow cyclists.

I wish i could have met you, everyone seems genuinely touched by you in such a short time. I guess we'll make it up when we meet again. Ride safe wherever you are, Bryan<3!

new years eve(l)

so once again i find myself engulfed in self pity it seems to sort of come off natural nowadays. What am i doing? i'm so baffled about everything i wish i could just run away just for a little while you know. Just to get out of my head........ i need to read something uplifting i've lost my mind.....

Storms...

So today will be another cut day for me... I don't know why i feel this way well i sort of know why because i also get this way when the weather changes. my moods are sort of connected, with its highs and lows and lows and even lower. I should at least go to French class today but I'm not motivated at all....

I'm a little sick and i guess drained out this is week two and i already feel like its the middle of the semester, i started out strong and took on so many things and i guess its safe to say that I'm not as young as i used to be.. i need to prioritize... I'm glad i was cut from the school's softball team... it demanded too much of me.....

I'll give myself today and yesterday but Monday i have to be well rested and back on that daily grind.. it's to early in the semester to have an episode........

"even soldiers catch their breath"......

Cast Spells

Man, my summer is ending well.. i think, personally it's going to be a good semester.... friends wise and hopefully school wise as well...lol

Man, Dave Davidson you are a very talented human being... And i don't understand why you talk to me?.. ha i don't know, i'm not nearly as fascinating as you. Ha i guess thanx for seeing... me.... blaah!

"And i'll be carrying flowers, like a soldier holds a gun"....

Back in da Hood.....

Man, i never thought i'd say this... It feels good to be back in Hood Hall... rip 88 Broad and summer '10. you were fun, at times... but I'm so over it. I can honestly say that I'm looking forward to fall semester. I need to look into scholarships, man, college is becoming expansive.. ha and i need to find a job.... asap.

Our room is coming along and this time i decided to organize my clothes.. why do i have so much clothes?!.. it's unnecessary, i tell you, I need to sell.. i could use the money and the space.....

baaked....

In that note, i would like to welcome fall semester '10..This is make it or break it so I'm going to have to kick some ass... i got this, i got this..blaah.

haters...

the world is full of them man, and i am one to talk... but Wilber is always shitting on Apple..he can't appreciate the beauty of technology ha... man i want an iPad. Trice has one and it's hottt, plus it would fit perfectly in my life...

it's funny on how I wish i to go back to when i was younger the time where i wished to be grown... fun times man... when there were no worries and only great times.. good ol' Brooklyn; life in Fort Greene... wouldn't trade it in for the world.... Listening to wu-tang just makes me want to go back ha.. it's been awhile man...

so on Tuesday before noon i need to be out of this apartment.. I'm pretty psyched about moving back in to the dorms i just hate doing the packing and repacking thing. this past year i've literally been trapped in the limbo. so I'm looking forward to be consistently in one place for awhile.. to get my self situated and away from life of uncertainty.. I am ready to find my true self.... blaaaaah

i need to do more lengthy post, i never want to elaborate my thoughts or express my feelings...it would help me stay out of my head you know. Give myself a break and see the whole picture instead of what i believe have importance. So I'm trying out for the softball team... i should start running so i wont embarrass myself at try-outs.... i got this.. well i'm a little afraid since its been a long time since I've played. so I'm extremely rusty. so this is going to be fun ha blaah i just i got to not psyche myself out... The worst thing they can say is we don't need you.. ha devastating. Well it is what it is man... i hope they don't drug test me ha yeah i would definitely fail.. that would suck man......

"raw like cocaine straight from Boliva"....

We lack science...

so this time home has once again been an experience on so many levels but I'm glad that I'm leaving off, thankfully on top of them.. ha! I can't believe that I'm looking forward to heading back to Ol' Plattsburgh..i guess it's just relaxing there, with no worries and just life.... see you in the North Country♥!.. Blaah!...

F'in Rad

I need to get my life back.. ever since my plane landed at the JFK airport sunday morning, i've been really beside myself. I wish i could have stayed in San FRancisco. Being home makes me ready to head back to Plattsburgh.. If it wasn't for my nephew's birthday party i would have already been on a train northbound. Until we meet again hopefully next summer San Francisco but until then i need to shake this feeling of depression and take ahold of my life......

These Days....

It's so funny or so inspiring that i've finally regained myself back... i'm not all that needy like i was before and i have this new confidence that just reminds me of when i was young... i'm loving life again and i can't wait to head to San Francisco on Saturday.. YAY thats going to be pretty kick ass..... i'm in love with myself again and i plan on taking this ride to the top.. so meet me there.HA!.....

Ghost.....

so it's official i'm heading home on Monday.... i need to get my leg healed and i want to spend time with my mother before i'm stuck here in Plattsburgh for another three months....

ahhh this AC in the library feels sooo good... i'm hoping i can suck up as much cool air before heading back to my apartment that feels like a sauna sitting in an oven...

10 page paper report to be typed and finished so i can just sit back and read "One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest", Ken Kesey is the man, man!..ha

Burial

so i quit my job yesterday and i'm still recovering from my injury but life seems good at the moment. It's something about getting up at 5 in the morning to watch subterranean for some new music, which is making me feel like this summer might not be at all a waste. I got injured i hated my job and i felt my summer slipping away... So maybe i'll stick around Plattsburgh for awhile and then head my way home at the end of the month and hopefully find myself on the west coast by then... I think things may start to look up from here...sooo let's see how long this last....

Last Songs....

Man life is amazing♥!!!.... i have that feeling once again... this is going to be good...

So last night we had another one of our house parties but this time Wilber got waaay too trashed.. not a good look man.. Panha was pissed and angrily told everyone to leave when i already told them they had to go.. ha what a night man... I'm so happy that my leg is healing i can move around without the crutches but i still keep them near just in case... I adore Tom♥! he is the raddest kid i know right now.... I haven't met any in a really really long time..So last night Tom brought back some awesome bud (the hairs and crystals are well defined with a strong skunky citrus mint scent)...YUMMIE♥! ha and today is his Birthday...Happy Birthday Kiddo♥!.. so basically thats all i've been doing while on disability which is lame but i have gotten a lot of work done and i plan on doing some more work....Back to real life tomorrow when i return to class and work... I wish i could have went to class though...blah!

Well Tom and I just finished smoking a bowl and i'm really liking this bud.. so good..... anyway, I truly appreciate the people that i've surrounded myself with lately... they make me happy or maybe it's just that i am happy...finally i'm happy

Spoke to my niece earlier this afternoon she's heading to camp tomorrow and hopefully she'll send me out a letter soon..We've been writing to each other... I'm going to make her a heart design bracelet... Panha has made me a work board to keep me busy while i've been confined to this house.. i've made three bracelets so far....i'm on a roll..ha!

i love my family and i adore my roommates♥!

Where are your wings?!.....

I could listen to this song on heavy rotation<3... it's so beautiful. it just makes this three day disability a walk through the park. This isolation wont keep me down as long as this plays into my ears, i'm all goodzz....

So i'm not going to dwell so much on this whole thing because it has its perks.. i can relax, rest, read, write, find music to love.... just like my old life while not neglecting my studies...

I've been so i don't know.... just hating everything like my job. I feel this week is going to be pretty rad. hopefully when i go in on monday they'll give me some substantial work to complete for a change. ...........................................................................................................

I just rolled the prefect joint im so proud of myself.. today is starting off pretty chill already....

Double Entry...

I was feeling a little better about life until the meeting i had with my boss and her boss this afternoon... I already knew it.. I'm an easy read of people, i swear sometimes... i think I'm just going to lay low for awhile and not be seen until I'm ready...you cloud my judgement...sometimes

Island, IS

So I'm back at despair...sadly... i need to get away, just for awhile...

For Sebastian From A Friend......

I want my mommie back...my sweet sweet mother. it's not the same, you're not the same and i'm not the same...like before.....